Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in Sarah Henson's LiveJournal:

Thursday, October 26th, 2000
4:44 pm	exhaustion takes over...will someday be over.... I haven't written in a few days...there hasn't been a day this week that I've been home before 11 pm and in bed before 11:30, which is terribly late for me. I am tired, so tired, and my body and soul are both feeling the effects. I don't even have the desire to work, to talk, to play...I'm feeling disconnected from everything that I love. Bleh. And I'll be here at work again tonight until 7...should be home by 8 and hopefully in bed early enough. But still - all I'm doing is working and sleeping...which for Josh may be a welcome change, but I miss my tv and my music and my life... Oh well, it's fall, the busiest time in the life of a Girl Scout staff member. C'est la vie. Been making lots of presentations to girls and adults about my trip to India. Man, do I miss it. India was such a wonderful country, and I loved Sangam. What would anyone think about me moving to India for a year to be a staff member at Sangam? :) (James cannot answer via LiveJournal.) Halloween doth fast approach...going to see Memory Dean Halloween night and we are very excited about it. I still have to get through this weekend - my mother moving to Newnan (a whole day of family togetherness - I don't think I can handle it) and a speaking engagement Sunday, where I get to talk to 25,000 young people from the state of GA. No kidding - honestly. I'm scared to death... Still here two more hours...guess I better get back to it. Love to all.... Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2000
9:24 pm	Almost... It was almost a NON-Girl Scout weekend, if you can believe it in my life! :) I made it from Friday evening, 7 pm, to Sunday night about 5:15 with not even a mere thought about work or GS, until this angry parent looked up my home phone # in the phone book and called me about a meeting. *sigh* Which transpired into about 2.5 hours of work...I love my job. But, I managed to clean the house yesterday, wash laundry, get the car washed and cleaned out, buy some groceries and watch a few movies. James and I even went out to the movies last night - we saw "Remember the Titans," which was an EXCELLENT movie if anyone hasn't seen it. It's more about friendship than football, though the football scenes weren't bad either. :) So all in all I consider it a successful non-work weekend. I might get to make it two in a row next weekend... Did you ever look at your life's work and wonder if you make a difference? I love what I do, and I'll probably do it for the rest of my life. But sometimes I just take a look at the past 18 years, all the sweat, tears and effort, and wonder if anyone gives a damn anymore. I think I'm pretty much over my little depressive spells from last week - that's a good thing. I hate feeling like that. James has been helpful this weekend, and I enjoy spending time with him. I am reading a book - "Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul." Read it before - bought it on our anniversary trip to Panama City this year, and read it on the beach. But I'm rereading it (the next book in my series comes out next month) and a certain story caught me...it's about an older couple in a diner, who do nothing but eat in silence, except for holding hands under the table. Comfortable silence. Anyway, James and I went to a sub shop today to grab lunch, and I found us doing the same thing. Knee to knee, I was reading his cell phone, and he was sitting quietly, doing nothing at all. Comfortable silence, except for we're not elderly. I wonder if that says something about us. James is quiet, yes, but....sometimes I wonder if we truly talk about everything we need to talk about. Oh - get this - newest family thing - Jenny is afraid of James and doesn't feel like she knows him at all. *huh* Jenny has known James almost as long as I have, hello? I don't get this newfound social anxiety of hers...she says that she can't talk to him, and had this whole hissy fit about it that has the whole family in an uproar. Sarah's first impression - one of anger...how dare she treat my husband like that (she really kind of hurt his feelings, I think). But I don't know - she is SO immature it grates on me. Well, that was my weekend. Back to the grind of the workweek this week. Shouldn't be so bad. Still hectic.....but I don't think that's ever going to change. Looking forward to the upcoming holiday season A LOT this year. :) (and not just because I'm coming to visit, oshie!) Love to all of you who read this...and my prayers for God's blessings... -S Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)
Friday, October 20th, 2000
5:55 pm	Blessed be the tie that binds... Still at work...making up some of the time I've utterly wasted away this week with all my transportation problems, which are thank the Lord OVER! Of course, I'm still exhausted, so what am I doing instead of working? Writing in here... Why can I be such a bitch sometimes? I get so emotional about things...it drives me crazy. When I can't smile I mope, when I can't mope I cry, when I can't cry I scream, and when I scream it hurts the people I love most. This whole car thing has been the death of me...too much stress. WAY TOO MUCH STRESS. And I get stressed out too easily...mostly by things I can't control. And when I can't control something, I get terribly anxious and even angry. So when I couldn't control the fact that his HR department wasn't acting more quickly, I took it out on him. And that sucks of me...I shouldn't have done it. So I was sorry, but depression took over, so I couldn't say it. I'm in crying and moping mode right now. Maybe, now that this whole ordeal is over it will all be better. But I'm still stuck in this damn cycle - this trap of past unhealthy mechanisms... Something bad happens - I get sad I get sad - I cry - I get depressed I get depressed - I feel hopeless and worthless I fell hopeless, worthless and out-of-control, I get withdrawn and suicidal. And this is the way it's been all my life. ALL MY DAMN LIFE. And I'm so angry about it because I can't seem to break out of it. What's years of therapy done me if I can't seem to break out of this one little vital personality flaw? I guess what's good is that - I used to actually try to kill myself, now I just obsess about it and make James miserable. Oh well, that's a freakin improvement. Why downtrodden, o soul? Why so troubled within me? Put your hope in the Lord, and I will yet praise thee, my savior and my God. (Psalm 42/43) Yeah - easy for David to say. I just thank God that James is such a patient, loving and forgiving person. He hardly ever angers, and just loves me for who I am. I only hope that someday I can love me for who I am...sometimes I don't know who he sees. In happier news, the newspaper that interviewed me about my trip did a halfway decent article. The picture was awful, but the article wasn't bad. I kind of got excited about it. For all you non-Atlanta readers, I'm not sure if you'll find it here, but try www.NorthFulton.com - oh - just checked it - the article is off the front page as "Trip to India Eye-Opener for volunteer." No picture (in the paper there's a picture) but you can at least read the article. This will be my first weekend off from work and travel since my return home...I'm looking forward to cleaning my house and sleeping in... Ok - I'm gonna quit. No words of wisdom today. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2000
9:04 pm	Exhaustion covers like a blanket... And I wish that I was covered with a blanket! The past few days have been draining physically and emotionally...with the problems with our only car, demanding work schedule, physical pain etc. I have been drained in every way imaginable. I have had the hardest time filling up that exhausted space in my soul...I miss my music, my friends, my peace. Though I'm in as good of spirits as possible, there's still an empty place right now that haunts me... James started his journal today...it will be fun to see what he writes, and I hope he does it on a regular basis. James so often doesn't share his emotions with many, so I think this will be a good outlet for him. I know this is short, but my bed calls my name. I'm also in the middle of a really good book, and I'm looking forward to getting back to it. :) -S Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Monday, October 16th, 2000
8:58 pm	David, he chased God's own heart... A lot has happened in just the past few hours...much less the past few days. My heart has been at such peace since I've come home from abroad, and what a refreshing thing! I don't think I have felt this alive and sane in a long time, yet I still fight off the old anxieties and pain. It's getting easier though, and God has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined He could this year. As the year gets older, I get more contemplative... It's been time for reviews, at work, at home, at school...reviews everywhere. James had his first work review last week, and God has blessed us with a significant increase in his salary! Praise God for providing for our needs...and providing for my anxieties when it comes to money. I am hoping that this will open many doors for us - to travel to see our loved ones, to travel to see the world, and to put away significant amounts so we can plan for new loved ones, little ones of our own. My review is coming up at the first of November, and I pray that it will be fruitful as well. Poor James, he was so nervous...ever since I have been home from India I have been so much more tuned into him, his feelings, his needs...being away for so long has really helped our relationship. I am starting to feel at peace with my marriage, something I don't think I've really ever done before. He really does love me more than anything else in the world... I've been working hard at work and in my volunteer time. Girl Scouting this time of year is a very demanding thing...demands a lot of your time and energy, when you are as committed as I am. Yet I long for rest, for time at home...I canceled a meeting tonight so I could have time at home, wrapped in a blanket and at peace. James ended up having to work late, all the more better. I am most comforted when I am at home and can be quiet, worship, pray, read, watch tv...play with the kitties. :) I haven't done so much of that recently. I also long for the company of my new friends around the world...it's been hard adjusting back to real life from my three weeks in India because very few people truly understand my experiences and how close you can become with kindred spirits in as short of a time as we are together. Girl Scouts and Girl Guides are truly a rare breed. :) I miss them, wait for e-mails from them every day...write as often as I can, and hope that someday I'll be with them again. It is comforting to again look at the stars and realize that no matter how far away people are, that there is someone always out there who loves you and cares about you and your welfare. I used to cry on my curbside at night, taking out the trash when I was in high school, looking up at the stars and pretending that they were all the people who loved me and cared about me...and that had to be enough for my heart. I was so despondent and never really believed that it could be true. Now I look at the stars and know that what I used to cry out to God for was always true... It saddens me to read Joshua's journal writings...I pray that he is truly happy in MT and that he is well and healthy and not as melancholy as he sounds...I also hope that Shannon is well and happy. Need to call soon. "Holy, holy holy, Lord God almighty, early in the morning our sun shall rise to thee..." And my sun shall rise early in the morning...off to bed with me. My heart is filled with love for my circle of friends...I hope they see my star. :) -s Current Mood: peaceful (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 14th, 2000
5:48 pm	I'm so glad that Joshua e-mailed us about this journal thing...this is kind of a neat way to keep up with you, oshie...since you are farther away now. :) I'm going to have to get used to writing in a journal again...there hasn't been a whole lot going on around here to write about. Georgia Tech's homecoming was today, and it was the first time I was there as a registered alumni. I took my father, and we had a great time (especially since we won). I have been having some neck problems this week - my muscles have been inflamed and swollen, causing a lack of range of motion...fortunately, I am feeling better today. The whole thing was terribly painful, and though I'm used to physical pain, it's hard when you work in an office that requires you to use your neck (driving, answering the phone, etc) it was very hard. James is good - I'm going to tell him about this whole concept too - he would be very interested. I haven't gotten the hang of the whole introspective thoughtful journal writing concept like the others, so I guess I'll end it here and fix my family a meal. :) I'll have to write more later. -S (Comment on this)